Whenever the sun shines

To some people there is no sunny days. Their loss, huh? In a remote place within me there is a piece that would like me to be different. I wish I could enjoy the sun way better then I am currently doing. I wish I could be doing many things I want to do.

So when looking at the beautiful weather that has struck Sweden I wonder if I could be doing better. Am I the best I can be? Should I continue doing what I am doing?

- No, not remotely.

Soon I will go berserk on everything, radically turning everything upside down, making sure I get what I want. Soon enough I will start living the life I Want to be living. Today I took a step towards it while taking a step back. I am at zero once again, neither on the plus nor minus.

Life holds you with cuff's and you feel unable to be free. You sense yourself being trapped in an invisible prison unable to escape since you don't even know what bars to break in order to get out.

I need to be honest. I am not good with women. I am not good at managing my life. I am not good with doing what I want. I suck at most things in life and I am not a good person.

But on those few occasions in life I find myself being incredibly great with women, I succeed at managing my life like a juggler handles his balls, I do what I want without hesitating and, as king midas, everything I touch turns into gold while as the good person I, at those moments are, give it all away to everyone.

I need to find a way to stay in that second state. In the paradise where you are free. I know that place, I truly know where it exists.

Now. It exists in the moment, in the now. In the second that just passed by and in the next ten seconds that are to come. It is me a great mystery how we humans find ourself lost from the moment, trapped in the past and the future; regretting the things we cannot change and worrying about the things that are to come.

I want, need and should break free. I mean to and I plan to. What stops me now?

- As much as I hate to admit it: Laziness and a feeling of powerlessness. =(

Very well... Better times will come.

Peace!