Day by Day, Step by Step

So, last night was fun. Completely. I had been with Mr Mojo (a cool guy from this place) and we were spending the evening with three lovely ladies. However, once we all split up I had my apartment for myself and there was a fuck buddy of mine that wanted to come over. Not to get into details here but I called The_Man from Stockholm to speak about a certain issue.

That mofo' made me speak to a girl to higher his value by showing her he had a cool friend from Gothenburg and since I told her I hated bitchy girls from Stockholm she e mediately started to assure me she wasn't like that. Good.

I started to tell her about a lot of stories. I enjoyed my opportunity to rehearse my stories once again and since I'm a selfish fuck; I love to speak about myself and my life. Long story short, I started to tell her about a very personal, beautiful thing that had happened to me once in Macedonia. The thing about this story is that it just popped out of my head. I had forgotten about it and I had always wanted to tell it to my Girlfriend that I no longer see.

Now the problem here is, we hate each other. Well, I can't really say I hate her because I want to be the better of us two but she definitely hates me. I had wanted to tell this story to her when we were together but the great thing that we shared was our ability to ALWAYS have interesting topics to speak about. We could talk for HOURS. It was really a beautiful thing. Now the downside of this is, of course, that I never told her about this particular story and then I forgot about it completely. Yesterday, though, it just popped up in my mind and I felt this enormous URGE to tell her about it.

I knew it was a bad idea because we would probably start fighting, she wouldn't listen anyways, it was late, I don't wanna be that looser that calls his ex - yada yada. A lot of excuses. Now here's the thing about calling yourself Xtreeme; you have to live up to it.

I called her. I live by the edge, I follow my desires and I definitely follow my urge. She didn't answer and I sent her a text message and the rest is history. Yepp, we fought. Yes, It did get very personal.

Here's the thing though, I was unaffected. I didn't quite give a rats ass. Why?

Really, why?

I would be proud in saying I don't feel anything for her anymore and therefore I was able to be unaffected but that's a lie. I had butterflies in my stomach all the way. Lovely feeling. I still have her picture in my wallet just so I don't ever forget there's more in life then to fuck girls, namely: loving them too. So what was it?

I don't need her. I have a purpose in my life that is not to be fucked with, it is not to be over prioritized with and it is the single most important thing in my life. I am constantly dead except for those moments in life when I do things that helps fulfilling it. I have standards. And most of all, I am internally happy.

This is not so all the time, but this is what I aim for. Seriously, ask yourself: Would you rather be in need of things around you to be arranged in a sort of way that would make you happy or would you choose being happy with only yourself and just strive for experiences that will take your breath away?

If everybody were to ask themselves: Do you constantly do the things that you want to do, or do you avoid them to protect what you so dearly posses?

I didn't want to call her yesterday because I wanted to protect the image of me being a cool guy that does not quarrel with girls. I wanted to protect the image of me being the guy that does not call his ex. I wanted to protect her, already shattered, image of me. The question is why? I am happy with who I am because I know that the only image I need to protect is the one of being the guy that does what he wants to do. What he desires to do. Being a guy of the moment. And to protect that image, I need to let go of everything I have.

"Only after we have lost everything, are we free to do anything" ~ Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

It is so true. I have always dreamed of "surfing on life". Dreamed of being the guy that gets by Day by Day, Step by Step. The guy that doesn't fear anything and is therefore able to do anything. Being poor one day and rich on the other. Finally, I know what that means. Finally, I am taking steps towards living that life.

Finally, I have found myself at a core level.

And that is how it goes day by day, step by step...