Once I was

Once I was a terrible lover, a (no)man with nothing but an ego, needing to be filled with validation. But nobody noticed, nobody suspected and nobody knew. Except for her.

Broken love leaves many trails and one always finds that scars aren't always cleansed, but hidden. She deleted, or something, the last possession I could have of her. The only thing still giving me a (slightest) sense of touch with her. Her blog. It's gone, erased, deleted. I cannot anymore get updated on the every day events of her beautiful life.

It is funny how, after stepping out of the negative and destructive emotions, one starts to see the real beauty behind the woman he once loved. I never needed her, I never really thought she was the best woman I have ever met. She was just so beautiful that in my mind, she was all I wanted. I wanted to have, not to give. I wanted validation of having the most incredible woman I had met, not to give appreciation and value to her.

Once I was a terrible lover. I truly destroyed something that could have been beautiful. I have no regrets but I do apologize. I know its arrogance talking that you can never be as happy with anyone else as you would have been with me, but it is true. The me writing this would have been giving you the happiness you (and the rest six billions in this world) are seeking for.

But you never met the writing me, you never saw him more then in glimpses at times and the fact that you gave me as many chances and wasted as much energy that you did, proves how happy you would have been together with a permanent writing me.

Once I was a terrible lover. But not anymore. And it is thanks to you. Loosing a "perfect hand" opened my eyes on the amount of ego I had. It opened way to many realizations I later had to discover to give meaning to the helplessly mess I had turned into.

I apologize for not being your boyfriend right now, even though it wasn't me but the ego that killed our relationship.

And dumping me for the mess that I was, finally killed that ego.

Thank you.

(Dedicated to a dear friend)